If Cats Could Talk
by Phoenix-Flame4
Summary: AU-5th year. Hermione tries to cast a spell to make Crookshanks talk and it backfires. Now every cat in Hogwarts can speak and they're taking advantage of it as only a cat can...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Do I look unbelievably rich? No. Do I have to work for minimum wage in a dollar store? Yes. Do I still live with my parents? Yes. Conclusion: I don't own Harry Potter. P  
  
Notes: Random idea that I thought would be funny. I have no idea where this is going. Maybe it won't. We'll see. I haven't read OotP yet, so this is AU and set around Halloween in the Trio's fifth year. I live with nine cats, therefore, I write about cats. I mean, come on, who doesn't wonder what a cat would say if he could talk?  
  
br buIf Cats Could Talk/u/bbr  
  
-This can not be good,-the student thought as she peered cautiously around a corner. When she saw no one in sight she scampered forward and jumped behind a suit of armor, who was indifferent to her presence. -Have to get to the dungeons... Man, I'm so expelled! But I can't stay like this. Better a human and expelled than a cat forever.-  
  
The student peeked her head out from behind the armor and strained her ears for any signs of Filch coming. Filch finding her was probably worse than being expelled.  
  
She knew she shouldn't have become an Animagus like she had, but she really couldn't resist. She had always wanted to become an Animagus, and when she was graduated from Hogwarts she would go and register herself. But for the meantime she skulked around Hogwarts at night, with none the wiser. Then she got stuck. And that was very very bad. Because now she had to go confess to her illegal activities if she ever wanted to become unstuck and human again. And that meant going to her head of house.  
  
Severus Snape.  
  
She trembled just thinking about how furious he would be. Especially since she was a seventh year and really should know better. -Curse my rotten luck,- she muttered to herself. -Well, off I go.- And she bounded down the long corridor as quickly as she could.  
  
***  
  
Hermione Granger was curled up in a soft armchair in the Gryffindor common room, watching her two best friends scramble to do homework that was due in the morning. On her lap curled Crookshanks, watching the boys' quills scurry across the parchment rapidly. Hermione snorted in disgust.  
  
"Honestly! You two had a week to do this, a week! If you had even started it the night we got the assignment, you wouldn't have nearly the pressure you do now," she stated.  
  
"Oh, shut-up Hermione," Ron muttered absently.  
  
"Don't take your frustrations out on me, this is your fault. If you hadn't procrastinated for so long..." She ran a hand down Crookshank's back. The cat was fairly entranced by the movement of the two quills by now.  
  
"Yeah, we're in the Procrastinator's Club, you know," Ron said, looking up from his essay. "We were going to have a meeting, but it got put off."  
  
"Oh, ha ha." Hermione rolled her eyes. Harry smiled at his friends' banter. Crookshanks finally leapt off of his mistress's lap and landed on Ron's parchment, smearing ink everywhere and attacking his quill. "Crookshanks! No!"  
  
"Get off you rotten monster!" Ron shoved the large cat off, who trotted off with Ron's quill in his jaws and tail held high. "You ruined my essay! Two hours of work gone! Gone!" Hermione looked at the paper to see if anything could be salvaged, but the parchment was one big inky smudge.  
  
"Crookshanks didn't mean it, did you Crookshanks?" she asked her cat, who tossed the quill up in the air and batted it back down playfully.  
  
"Oh I'm sure he didn't!" Ron cried. "He doesn't care, look at him!"  
  
"He just thought your quill was prey. He was just being a cat," Hermione cried back defensively.  
  
Ron snorted and folded his arms. Harry sighed and sat up. "You can copy mine, Ron. Let it go." Ron shook his head, glaring at the innocent-looking cat batting his quill around.  
  
"It was a malicious act," Ron declared.  
  
"It was not!" Hermione retorted.  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"I just do!"  
  
"Prove it!"  
  
"Fine!" She scooped up Crookshanks and marched off to the girls' dormitories. The cat looked over her shoulder at Ron, and grinned a cat-ish grin.  
  
***  
  
The next morning came and the seventh-year Slytherin trapped in a cat Animagus form still hadn't gotten to Snape's office. On the bright side, she was in the dungeons. She hadn't gotten very far, however, until she came across Peeves doing some mischief while singing loudly and very annoyingly. She ducked into a dark niche in the wall with a torch sconce, but no torch. Her midnight fur hid her from the poltergeist's view until he was well past, and then Filch had come by, hot on Peeves' trail, and decided the floor looked dirty and needed to be mopped.  
  
All night it went like that, and she finally fell asleep hidden in her little niche until the student hustle and bustle of the new day awoke her.  
  
She waited patiently until the coast was clear, and slunk forward, keeping low and to the wall and approached a turn. She looked cautiously around the bend and saw Professor Snape at the far end of the hall, talking to one of the students. -Finally!- she thought and rushed forward to confront the potion's master.  
  
"Hello kitty!"  
  
-Oh no...-  
  
A pair of arms circled her belly and lifted her off the floor. She twisted and struggled, but the arms were insistent. She glanced over her shoulder to see who had caught her and glared into the face of one of the fifth years' face. She recognized the pointed face and slicked back white-blonde hair of Draco Malfoy.  
  
Personally, she wasn't that fond of him. Which was why she felt no remorse at sticking her claws into his offending arms.  
  
"Ow! Watch it, cat!"  
  
-Watch yourself, little- Ah man! Snape's gone!- She slumped as the Potion's Master swept into his office and Malfoy took it as a cue to tote her away to the Slytherin dorms. In her mind she imagined flaying Malfoy alive over hot coals and felt marginally better.  
  
***  
  
It didn't take long for Hermione to find an appropriate spell once she got into the library and sat down to concentrate. The tome was old and dusty, but still legible. She flipped through its pages quickly and efficiently until she came across a likely spell to aid her in her quest. The top of the page was adorned with the words "Beast Speech".  
  
She smiled and took the book to check out.  
  
Back in the Gryffindor common room she set the book up on an unoccupied table and set Crookshanks beside that. The room wasn't terribly crowded for a Saturday. It was nice enough that most of the other students were outside enjoying the weather. Harry and Ron watched her curiously as she drew a diagram around Crookshanks in washable chalk and referred back to the book, muttering to herself.  
  
"Watcha doin' 'Mione?" Ron asked.  
  
"You'll see." Ron didn't bother to respond. He knew he wasn't going to get an answer. Hermione finally took out her wand and pointed it at her cat. Crookshanks promptly began to groom himself, ignoring the proceedings. "Imperius affor!" Crookshanks' tail swiped across the diagram, as a bright light shot out of her wand and struck her cat.  
  
There was a resounding keening sound for a few moments, and the very air seemed to vibrate. When everything finally settled down, everyone looked over at Hermione.  
  
"Well that was good," Crookshanks muttered sarcastically.  
  
~*~*~*~ 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: See chapter one. *sulks*  
  
Notes: Cats are not nice people. Great pets. A little sarcastic, though.  
  
If Cats Could Talk  
  
"C-Crookshanks?" Ron stammered. The cat flicked an ear at him first, then fixed a disdainful golden gaze on him. "Hermione, what did you do?"  
  
"I-I tried to cast a Beast Speech spell on him. I think it worked..." she replied. Maybe she had gotten lucky and that keening was supposed to happen. Maybe the damaged diagram on the table-  
  
"Hey monkey," a cat that belonged to one of the second year boys snapped, clawing his leg. "Feed me!"  
  
"L-Leo?" the boy wondered. "Ow!" He rubbed his bleeding leg.  
  
-Maybe not. Hermione sighed and put her face in her hands, shaking her head slowly from side to side. "What have I done?" she moaned.  
  
"Oh relax, she-ape," Crookshanks sighed. "I messed up the spell." He rolled his eyes. "Humans. Always overreact to EVERYTHING." He leapt off the table lightly and stalked off. Across the room, Leo scratched the second year again.  
  
"I distinctly remember telling you to feed me!" he demanded.  
  
"O-Okay! Calm down..." the boy got up and left the room.  
  
"Gotta teach them young, you know, or they'll never learn," Leo said to Crookshanks matter-of-factly.  
  
"So true," the ginger cat replied, taking a place on the mantle over the fire.  
  
***  
  
The Slytherin student/cat sat in the common room of her house and sulked. This was not a good thing. Snape almost never entered the dormitories. And she couldn't get out with Malfoy and his two goons hovering around. -Who knew Malfoy was a cat fancier?- she wondered to herself. -I guess not everyone can be ALL bad.-  
  
She heaved a great sigh and lay down on the chair she occupied and stretched out, taking up more space per inch than was logically possible. -Might as well relax and try to sleep. I'll slip out at night.-  
  
She had just closed her eyes when a terrible sound assaulted her delicate ears. She was on her paws in a flash and arched her back hissing. She hadn't a clue what kind of magic it was, but it was giving her one hell of a headache. The very air around vibrated her whiskers and her fur stood out on end. The other occupants of the room were glancing around in confusion, but they're hearing wasn't quite as acute as her own, so they were only annoyed.  
  
When the commotion died down she looked around for some difference, but everything seemed normal.  
  
Trying to soothe out her fur, she lay back down on the chair and closed her eyes, mentally daring anyone to try another stunt like that. She'd show them just what a big injury a cat can cause when sufficiently angered.  
  
***  
  
"I'm in SO much trouble!" Hermione wailed. Harry patted her back as comfortingly as he could, but she just seemed to sob even louder.  
  
Crookshanks crouched a short ways away, looking irritated.  
  
"I have a question..." Ron said, looking at Crookshanks.  
  
"Goodie for you," the cat replied.  
  
Ron chose to ignore the remark and continued. "Earlier with my quill and the essay. That was a malicious act, wasn't it?"  
  
Crookshanks looked into Ron's eyes and sneered. "Well, it's good to see that you're not as dumb as I thought, monkey." Ron seemed taken aback. Crookshanks turned to Hermione and flicked his bushy tail. "Look she-ape," he addressed the distraught girl, "you need to just calm down. What's the worst that can happen? You get detention for making cats talk? You did this school a big favor, if you ask me." He gave his shoulder fur a lick. "If it'll make you feel better, I'll go clear things with Dumbledore."  
  
"Huh? What? No, Crookshanks!" Hermione reached for Crookshanks, but he had already dove through the portrait hole and was gone.  
  
"This is bad," Harry admitted.  
  
"What's wrong with you boy?! I clearly said tuna! This is pork! Tuna. Pork. No similarities!! Are you as stupid as you are hairless?!" Leo reprimanded his boy. The poor kid looked to be about in tears. "Now go back and get it RIGHT this time!!"  
  
***  
  
-When is someone going to notice that I'm not around? I mean, I know I don't have that many friends, but geeze...- she sulked. -Ne? Oh hey! Malfoy's leaving! I'm freeeee!- She jumped from the chair with great enthusiasm and darted out of the common room right behind him and turned down the opposite way. -Thank goodness for afternoon classes.-  
  
She rounded the corner to Snape's classroom and came face to face with a tabby female cat with lantern-like eyes.  
  
-Mrs. Norris!- She looked up and saw Argus Filch leering down at her.  
  
"What have we here, my sweet?" he drawled pleasantly. "A student's pet loose in the dungeons? We can't have that, now can we?" Mrs. Norris looked up Filch.  
  
"You know, I always hated you calling me these little pet names," she said. Filch stared down at her, stunned. The student stared as well. Was that was that magic had been? Someone made all the cats talk? Mrs. Norris looked back down at her and winked. "Go on, I'll handle this." The girl nodded dumbly and continued down the hallway, leaving caretaker and cat to their own devices.  
  
"Mrs. Norris?"  
  
"What is it moron?"  
  
"M-Mrs. Norris?"  
  
"Yes, that's my name."  
  
***  
  
Albus Dumbledore was very startled to suddenly find a large ginger cat sitting on his desk, obstructing all efforts to work. He slowly looked up until he met the cat's yellow gaze. "Excuse me, but I'm quite busy..."  
  
"So I see," the cat replied. Dumbledore calmly observed the cat, fingers steepled together before him.  
  
"Interesting. I thought I heard a botched Beast Speech spell earlier. I did one once in my youth as well. The people in the village had to endure a week of their horses telling them exactly what they thought of their masters," chuckled the headmaster. "Now who is your human? Hermione Granger, if I'm not mistaken."  
  
Crookshanks nodded. "That's her. Not bad for a she-ape. She's very afraid that she'll get in trouble for this little mishap."  
  
The elderly wizard nodded. "And you're here on her behalf."  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"Well, as much confusion as this is going to cause for the next week or so, I see no reason for her to get into trouble. However, I must ask you to tell her not to attempt this again." The cat nodded. "Well, was there anything else?"  
  
"Nope. Laters old man," the cat said and walked off, tail held high. Dumbledore watched him go and shook his head. Cats had no respect for anyone other than other cats. It had been that way for centuries, so why change now? Chuckling to himself, Dumbledore set back to work. This was going to be an interesting week, as many of the students had cats at the school.  
  
~*~*~*~ 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: See chapter one, Sparky.  
  
Notes: Thanks to all who reviewed! It really makes my day. Whee! Much more of my favorite HP character, Snape! ^__^.  
  
If Cats Could Talk  
  
The Slytherin student looked hopelessly up at the closed door before her. Somehow in all her haste to make it to her head of house's office, she hadn't thought about what she was going to do to open the door. Sure, she knew some cats had learned to open doors by themselves, but she wasn't among them. Heck, she'd only been a cat for two days now. Learning how to operate the legs was work enough!  
  
She sat just out of the door and looked up at it. She figured if she waited long enough, and wanted it to open hard enough, it would do so.  
  
And surely enough, the door quickly opened and the school's potions master looked out at the hallway, as he had heard someone knock. Confused, he stepped back into the room and she darted between his feet.  
  
-Behold, the power of cat,- she snickered to herself. In two long leaps she was across the room and with one more she was on his desk before he was halfway across the room.  
  
"Mrrrow!" -Wait a second... I thought someone cast a spell so all the cats could talk...- She mentally smacked herself. -Of course! I'm not really a cat! Well, with any luck he'll put it together. Or maybe he hasn't heard the news, yet. Oh man, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be. All to be booted out, too. This sucks.-  
  
"How did you get in here?" Snape demanded. At a loss for how to answer, she just stared at him. "Get out. I don't know what student you belong to, but he'll get detention for allowing you to roam free." He strode over and picked her up, then tucked her under his arm and headed for the door.  
  
"Row! Rrrow-ow!" she protested. -No! Don't throw me out! Please!- With a desperate wriggle she sprung out of his grasp and bounded away.  
  
"Come back here you blasted cat!" Snape snapped.  
  
-No, I can't be thrown out yet!- She darted away and crawled under his desk.  
  
"All right, you asked for this, cat," Snape muttered. The Slytherin student cowered as far back into the desk's recesses as she could and waited. She didn't have to wait long. She saw the professor's face appear and a hand clutching his wand pointing at her.  
  
-Oh sh-!-  
  
"Imobularis!" She tore out from under the desk and darted between his feet as the spell struck the desk and dissipated harmlessly. He fired another spell and she barely got out of the way. One of the creepy, slimy things in the jars around the room wasn't so lucky. Snape swore at her and cast another, less cat-friendly spell and successfully destroyed a very old book on a bookshelf. With growing fury, Snape continued to try and use the poor trapped Animagus as target practice, while she found out exactly how dexterous a cat body was.  
  
When Snape finally quit trying to roast the cat to catch his breath, the room was a disaster. Breathing heavy, the cat tucked down into a crevice by the fireplace.  
  
-Just for the record, I SO did not do this!-  
  
***  
  
Dumbledore paused before Severus's office door. He could swear he could a bunch of crashes a second ago and a general destructive ruckus within. It was especially curious because he knew that the potions professor was inside, and seemed to having a hissy fit over something. The elderly wizard rapped on the old wooden door. "Severus? Are you all right?"  
  
The door opened, revealing a very flustered Severus Snape. "Headmaster... I was just..."  
  
"Renovating?" Albus suggested, his blue eyes twinkling with amusement. Severus pursed his lips, clearly not amused by this at all. "I've just come down to tell you the news, since you're the only staff member who hasn't come to see me about the commotion earlier."  
  
"That? I simply assumed it was Longbottom or one of his friends destroying something as usual," he replied. He idly brushed back his long black hair to try and restore a modicum of order. The room was beyond repair. He would summon a couple of house elves to clean it up later. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled.  
  
"Oh no. Nothing was destroyed... yet... it was simply a misfired spell. However, I feel I must warn you that now all the cats on Hogwarts grounds can speak. No need to worry, I'm sure, it will only last a week," Dumbledore said. He smiled reassuringly.  
  
"Is that all?" Snape sighed. "Most of the Slytherin students don't even have cats. Most of my students have snakes or toads or owls."  
  
"Severus, have you ever had a cat?"  
  
"No."  
  
Dumbledore nodded. "I thought so. Well, I'm sure you'll soon find out why I deemed it necessary to warn you." He turned as if to go, then paused. "Ah, Severus... May I ask what the problem is?"  
  
"Problem, Headmaster?" Professor Snape inquired innocently.  
  
Dumbledore lifted a single eyebrow and waved a hand at the room behind the other. Snape glanced back.  
  
"Nothing..." he replied. "It was nothing." Dumbledore nodded, and started to leave.  
  
"Well, good day Severus," he called.  
  
***  
  
Professor Snape slowly closed the door and turned his eyes to the crevice in which the Slytherin student crouched. He put his hands behind his back and took a single step forward. Then another. And another. Until he was only three feet from her hiding place. He smiled down at her, not at all in a friendly manner.  
  
"Well well well. I suppose you and I have a bit of a conversation before us, kitty cat," he said in a smooth, silky voice.  
  
-That's what YOU think...- She pushed herself further back into the niche.  
  
"Well? Are you going to talk? Or am I going to hex you out of that little corner?" he asked sweetly, expression clearly stating that he would be more than happy to do it. With a heavy feline sigh she skulked out of the corner and jumped up onto the desk.  
  
-I hope he doesn't hex me anyway...-  
  
Snape grudgingly put up his wand and sat opposite of the black-furred cat and looked into her green gaze. "Who are you and who do you belong to?"  
  
"Mow."  
  
"Don't play stupid with me, cat. You heard Albus. I know you can talk."  
  
"Rrrowwr. Myow."  
  
Snape sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Apparently this was going to be a long afternoon, and he had a class soon. "Fine. Be stubborn. I'll leave you here while I go to class and maybe you'll be more willing to talk later."  
  
-It's not a willingness, Mr. Monochromatic, it's an ability! Or lack there of!-  
  
But Snape was not a telepath, and he had shortly left, locking her in the room. She shook her head. He was extremely lucky she wasn't a true cat, for any real cat would have taken advantage of his rookie experience and the situation would turn ugly. As it was, she curled up in his leather chair to wait.  
  
~*~*~*~ 


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I'm sure you saw it in chapter one. If you forgot, go back and look.  
  
Notes: Wellll, I don't really know who the Slytherin student is, yet. I'm making this up as I go along with an idea of how I want it to go. I do know that she is a seventh year. And in this episode we have two guest appearances! One is the all-time best DADA teacher returned to Hogwarts for this fic, Remus Lupin! And for his cat, we have my one-eyed kitten, Sugar!  
  
If Cats Could Talk  
  
"Of COURSE I did it on purpose, monkey! It's about time this stuffy old school got some constructive criticism, and who better to give it than a cat?" Crookshanks declared.  
  
"What's constructive about verbally abusing the humans?" Ron demanded.  
  
"Well, just be grateful there are no dogs in the proximity, then you'd hear some REAL 'criticism' going on," Crookshanks muttered. "Besides, I'd hardly call it 'abuse'. I mean, what do you all know? You're just dumb humans, after all. Can't even understand civilized speech. You have to use your 'magic' to bring our speech down to your level."  
  
"Dumb humans?!"  
  
"That's right."  
  
"You're the ones who are dumb! You're nothing but animals!"  
  
"Oh ho?" Crookshanks lifted one furry eyebrow. "Tell me, Red, what's the square root of three hundred thirty-two?"  
  
"Uhhh..." Ron appeared taken aback.  
  
"My point exactly." Crookshanks jumped to the floor from his perch on the mantle and headed for the portrait hole. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a FWTO to plan."  
  
"What's a FWTO?" Hermione wondered. The fluffy cat glanced over his shoulder.  
  
"Feline Worldwide Take-Over, duh."  
  
"Was he kidding?" Harry asked, after Crookshanks had left.  
  
"Oh, I hope so," Hermione replied.  
  
***  
  
Remus Lupin had been asked to return to Hogwarts to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts once more, and he had. The Headmaster had personally guaranteed that he would not be subject to any hate mail or other such undesirables because of his unfortunate lycanthropsy. So he sat in his office in peace, planning out the next day's lesson plans, his kitten, Sugar, watching him from the bookcase.  
  
Sugar was a five-month old dilute calico kitten who had to have one eye removed early in life due to a very severe infection. Now she didn't even realize its absence.  
  
Which wasn't necessarily a good thing.  
  
"BONZAI!" Sugar pounced all the way from the bookcase, over his shoulder, and onto his quill, all the way with legs spread out like some demonic flying squirrel. And yes, he knew about the failed Beast Speech spell from earlier. He even had an idea of who did it.  
  
And he was considering deducting fifty points from Gryffindor for it.  
  
"That's the seventh quill! That was my last one!" Lupin cried in dismay. "How am I supposed to write out my lesson plans?"  
  
"I dunno," Sugar replied, batting the quill under the dresser. "Blood?"  
  
Lupin sighed and rubbed his temples. He could feel a headache coming on. Moreover, the moon was close to being full, and he needed to get the Wolfsbane potion from Snape soon. However, he didn't know how possible that would be with current situations.  
  
"What's wrong with you, Fido?" Sugar inquired while licking her chest fur. "That time of the month already?"  
  
"Just about."  
  
"You sure you're not just a she-monkey with really REALLY bad PMS?"  
  
"Yes, I'm sure." Sugar didn't look convinced, but let it drop so she could go terrorize a poor grindylow in a tank for the third years. The water demon cowered deep in its tank.  
  
***  
  
-Okay, let's think.- The Slytherin student perched herself on one of the shelves lined with nasty, slimy things while the house elves of Hogwarts tidied up the room below. -I mean, if I can figure out what I did wrong, I can transform back, right? Sooo... I transformed Friday night and now it's Monday afternoon. Almost three days ago...-  
  
Nothing. She couldn't remember. She recalled meaning to transform and prowl around the grounds, but from ten to one at night there was a big gaping hole in her memory.  
  
-Very curious. If I didn't know better, I'd say that someone cast an Obliviate spell on me. But why? What did I see?- She sighed in frustration and batted a paw at one house elf who got too close to her. The little creature scampered away. -Nothing personal, but I don't feel like being manhandled any more today, thank you.-  
  
***  
  
Elsewhere in the school, in an abandoned classroom heavily layered in dust, there was a meeting going on. Several in the meeting sat on the students' desks, which hadn't seen an actual student in many years. The leader presided from the large teacher's desk, a newly painted sign with rough letters upon it. The sign was white and the words in red paint formed the words Feline Worldwide Take Over. The leader was a large ginger cat.  
  
Beside him, tied to a heavy oak chair, was the caretaker of the school, Argus Filch. Mrs. Norris sat innocently on his knee. Filch mumbled something through the gag.  
  
The meeting discussed many things, and ended late into the night. One of these things was their recent shift in language barriers and the possibilities it presented. The fate of their prisoner was also discussed, and although he wasn't of much use to them, he was a pretty good servant and thus allowed to live undamaged.  
  
By the time the feline residents of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry had dispersed, a plan had been formed. It was a great and terrible plan. A plan of conquest and victories and had plenty of room for bravery and valor.  
  
And, oddly, consisted of large amounts of tuna.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
AN: What will happen next? Will Crookshanks and his league of cats succeed where so many dark wizards will fail? I don't know. Sorry for the chapter being a bit short, but I couldn't think of anything else to put into this one. 


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Can I stop this already?  
  
Notes: A fifth chapter? ^_^ I must admit I didn't expect this story to last so long, but it's rather grown on me, and others as well. Well, the Slytherin student may never get a name. And remember, Harry and the others are in fifth year, while she's in seventh. She never met the Trio, and they've never met her.  
  
If Cats Could Talk  
  
Snape reentered his office after dinner, finding that the elves had been and cleaned things up, save for two things. The first was one jar on the shelf that he had accidentally blasted, and the other was an entirely new mess on his desk. The cat seemed to be hiding somewhere. He shook his head and went over to evaluate the damage on his desk. One of his vials of red ink had been tipped over, making a lovely crimson stain on the ebony wood, and there were several cat paw prints all over the place. There was also a piece of spare parchment with teeth marks around the edge and messily scratched out words in the red ink.  
  
"HELP! NOT CAT! ANINACUS-STUCK!" it said.  
  
"Aninacus?" he wondered aloud. "Animagus?" It dawned on him. "That cat is an Animagus?! Of course!" He whirled around, looking for the cat. "Where are you? Come out!" Nothing. Snape checked under the desk and scanned the shelves, but there wasn't a feline presence anywhere. "Where did that bloody cat go?"  
  
***  
  
-Helllp meeeee!- the student wailed in her mind. She lashed out at one of the house elves that had reached a hand up to pet her and hissed. -Get away from me you cat-napping little maids! I went through all of that trouble to get to Snape's office and you take me away?!- She slapped at another who was approaching with a plate of food and he scurried back off.  
  
"Be nice Kitty!" an elf dressed in strange clothes demanded. "Dobby and other elves save you from mean Snape!"  
  
-Oh gods above, they probably think Snape was going to cook me or something.- She jumped from the counter to the elf's bald head and leapfrogged to the top of the cabinets, high above the elves' reach. -Someone SAVE me!-  
  
The door to the kitchens obligingly opened and admitted three large tom cats. A tabby noticed her and nudged his companions. "Hey, it's one of ours."  
  
"I don't remember seeing her at the meeting."  
  
"The walking food dispensers probably had her held captive." The elves were watching the new felines with mixed curiosity and apprehension. They had never heard one of these small furry things speak before.  
  
"Well, let's rectify the situation," the leader stated.  
  
-Oh no. Not again.- The three big toms howled a battle cry and dove at the elves, who took a moment to register the sudden danger, before screaming and scattering in all directions. -Why does everyone think I need saving? Why?- She looked heavenwards. -Why do you hate me, oh Irony Gods?!-  
  
***  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione all huddled under the Invisibility Cloak as they shambled along to the kitchens to visit Dobby and the other elves. It had been awhile since they'd last seen them, and they felt obligated to warn them of current events. They reached the painting that hid the entrance to the kitchens and paused.  
  
"Do you," Harry pondered, "...hear screams?"  
  
"Sounds like someone is attacking the house elves!" Ron replied. Hermione reached up and tickled the pear, and the large painting swung open and the Gryffindor students peered inside.  
  
It was chaos inside, with house elves running all over the place, being chased by three very large cats. The elves tried to tempt them with food, but the cats apparently weren't there for the chow. They stood there in mute horror and wonder at the senseless violence. Then something landed on Harry's head.  
  
Harry fell back in shock, but Ron and Hermione caught him before he could hit the ground. Whatever had hit him became entangled in the cloak and struggled to be free.  
  
"Let's get out of here!" Hermione hissed. The others agreed and they left the elves to their own devices. They hurried down the dark corridor, Harry trapping whatever was in the cloak in the length of fabric and holding it before him. They found a dark corner and secreted themselves in it and gently unfolded the cloak to see what had attacked Harry.  
  
A small-ish, semi-longhaired, deep black cat with long whiskers and green eyes looked up at them, looking very irritated.  
  
"Oh, it's a cat," Hermione gasped. "Do you suppose he was there with the other three?" The cat hissed at her. "Oh, sorry, SHE."  
  
The cat seemed content with that.  
  
"What's your name?" Ron asked her. The cat looked up at him, but didn't reply. "Come on, don't be mad. 'Mione's sorry she called you a he."  
  
The cat still did not reply, just glanced back at the kitchens where the screams finally died off. Harry hoped that meant to elves had either gotten away or the cats had decided to leave them alone. Ron sighed in exasperation.  
  
"I give up. Fine. Don't talk. It's about time a cat didn't, anyway," Ron declared, throwing up his hands. Hermione shushed him, reminding him to be quiet lest Filch or some other member of the staff came along and caught them.  
  
"Maybe the spell missed this one," Hermione guessed. "Maybe, for some reason, it skipped over her." She reached out and took the cat.  
  
"So, what do we do with the only cat in Hogwarts that can't talk?" Harry asked, shaking cat fur from his cloak. Hermione looked the cat in the eye while she thought. Having lived with Crookshanks for a couple of years now, she was becoming well versed in reading a cat's mood. This cat was very irritated with someone.  
  
"I guess we keep her for a little while, until we can find her owners-"  
  
"Who's there?" The three massive cats that had been attacking the elves in the kitchens approached the trio. "Here now, what do we have here? Three young monkeys," the lead tabby said with contempt. "Who do you three belong to? Speak up!"  
  
"Uhhhh..." Ron said.  
  
"Could be three strays," one of the other three said.  
  
"No, I know that female! She's Crookshanks' servant," the leader said, nodding at Hermione. "And there's the stranger. The other two might belong to her..." The black cat jumped down from Hermione's arms and stood before Harry and Ron possessively, stating without words that these were her humans.  
  
"Well, that settles that, I guess. Let's go. Oh, and make sure you make the next meeting," the leader said to the strange cat. She nodded and the three toms left.  
  
***  
  
-This is just too perfect,- the Slytherin student thought sarcastically. -Now not only do I have two humans, but they're Gryffindors! Sweet Merlin just kill me and get it over with.-  
  
~*~*~*~ 


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: *mutters something like 'see chapter one' and several explicatives*  
  
Notes: I am a huge cat fan. This fic is in no way cat-bashing. If cats want to take over the world, I'm right behind them! *One of her nine cats comes up.* "Good! You can start by FEEDING ME!" *sighs* Yes, master.  
  
If Cats Could Talk  
  
"Headmaster, we have a problem," Severus Snape declared as he walked into Dumbledore's office. The elderly wizard looked up from where he was looking over some document on his desk, looking quite unconcerned.  
  
"Hello, Severus. How nice of you to drop by," he said with a twinkle in his eyes. "Have a seat. Would you like some tea? Or lemon drops?"  
  
Snape sat, but refused the refreshments with a wave of his hand. "There's a student on the loose in the school."  
  
"Well, I imagine there are probably quite a few. Unfortunately, the student traps will be in next week," he said with a grin. "Quite pesky, those students. Almost as bad as mice."  
  
"This is no time for jokes, Albus. This student is an Animagus, and she could be anywhere by now," Snape sighed. "I thought she was just a regular cat who wouldn't talk to me, but when I returned to my office where I left her, I found a note." Severus reached into his robes and took out the messy parchment that was covered in red ink and paw prints. Dumbledore took the paper and examined it closely.  
  
"Remarkable."  
  
"I'm sorry, sir?"  
  
"The student is quite gifted to write even as well as she did while in cat form. Quite a feat. And to think that she even managed to become an Animagus so young. Extraordinary! Do you know who it is?"  
  
Snape scowled. "You're missing the point sir. If she is an Animagus, first of all, she is unregistered. I asked McGonagall if there had been any recent additions to the register and she assures me that there were none. A deed worthy of expulsion in itself. And there are many dangers in Hogwarts that could threaten the life of an animal as small as a cat. She must be found and immediately. Given the current 'situation' with the natural felines of the school, it shouldn't be hard to locate her, if they would cooperate. However, on my way here I inquired about a strange black cat, and he refused to answer me."  
  
"Relax, Severus," Dumbledore said soothingly. "I do not think any harm will come to her, for while there are many things that would harm a cat, there are many who would help as well. Besides, we must take this a step at a time, beginning with finding out who this mysterious Animagus is." He set the note on his desk and steepled his fingers together in thought. "That she deliberately came to your office first leads me to believe that she is a Slytherin, for any other would most likely avoid you, is this not so?"  
  
Snape nodded ascent. Most students would turn to Fang, Hagrid's pathetic dog before they would turn to him for help. Not that he minded.  
  
"Have you noticed any of your students missing?"  
  
The potions master thought hard about this. He ran through a list of names and faces in his mind and tried to remember who he'd seen that day and who he hadn't. But after a few minutes he was forced to give up. He hadn't the slightest idea who it could be.  
  
"Well," said Dumbledore, reading his expression, "no matter. We will start asking the students. At least you know it is a she."  
  
"Yes." Well, he was fairly certain. But he wasn't exactly an expert on cat anatomy.  
  
"It's a start. Go back to your house and ask if any of them know anything. I'll have the other head of houses ask their students for any information. The chances of getting the cat's help are slim to none," the headmaster of Hogwarts instructed.  
  
"Right away."  
  
"One moment, Severus..."  
  
"Yes, Headmaster?"  
  
"Have you seen Argus? I'm afraid I've been having a bit of trouble locating him."  
  
"I'm sorry, Headmaster, but I haven't seen him."  
  
"Hm. Very well, good luck with your search." Severus left.  
  
***  
  
Severus swept through the dark school corridors like a bat from hell. His black robes billowed about his lithe frame, giving an impression of a demon. His ferocious scowl frightened a Ravenclaw prefect back down the hallway he had come from. It made him feel slightly better. The world could be coming to an end, but he could always scare the bloody wits out of children. He turned a corner and paused.  
  
-What is that odd sound?- he wondered, straining his ears for the muffled noise that had brought him to a halt.  
  
Something white and gray came from an abandoned classroom and looked up at him. He recognized Lupin's annoying little one-eyed furball. The calico kitten grinned at him, impossible cuteness positively glowing around it.  
  
"Hello, monkey," she chirped. "You're looking particularly ugly today. Nice tan! See the sun much?" Snape frowned.  
  
"What do you want you little fleabag?"  
  
"Fleabag?" she assumed a hurt look. "I'll have you know that my ape casts a de-flea charm on me regularly." She perked up. "I can ask if he'll perform it on you!"  
  
"No thanks," he muttered.  
  
"What, you like your fleas?"  
  
"I do NOT have fleas, you annoying little carrier of future violin strings!"  
  
"Ooo, I SO scared," she said with a roll of her eyes. "What are you gonna do? Rub your greasy head on me?" With a growl Snape swept forward, and the fluffy kitten bounded away into the room she came from with a giddy laugh. Snape ducked in after, ready to wring the laughter right out of Lupin's cat.  
  
"...Argus?" he wondered, baffled. The caretaker squirmed against his bonds, Mrs. Norris on his lap, and the one-eyed kitten on his head.  
  
Behind him, the door slammed shut.  
  
Snape whirled around, hand reaching for his wand. All of sudden, the room was filled with cats on every available surface. A couple glared down at him from the unlit chandelier.  
  
"Hello, ape," Crookshanks purred.  
  
*** 


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING! LEAVE ME ALONE! I don't even own my cats, they own me!  
  
Notes: I'd like to thank everyone who has reviewed, it really helps to motivate me to write more! Keep 'em coming! ^__^ Btw: this fic is also in no way Gryffindor (which includes Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Neville) bashing. I have nothing but love for them all. I merely torture them for the story and humor. Beware of wand-stealing cats.  
  
If Cats Could Talk  
  
-Well, let's look on the bright side,- the Slytherin Animagus mused to herself. -I'm a malicious little Slytherin in the Gryffindor dormitories and no one knows it. Maybe if I can wreak enough havoc Snape won't expel me for being an illegal Animagus. Plus I could use the stress relief. Okay, now for a likely target...- She perused the common room for a victim, several students still coming in from their last class of the day.  
  
-Bingo. One hapless Gryffindor fifth year in my sights and closing...-  
  
*  
  
"I haven't seen Crookshanks all day," Hermione said as she collapsed into an overstuffed armchair across from Ron. Harry sat on a plush red and gold rug in front of Hermione's chair and studied the chessboard before him. Harry and Ron had been playing for half an hour now and they had moved about four pieces. Both were intent on besting the other if it took all night. Hermione didn't know what had prompted this testosterone fest but she ignored it.  
  
"Probably off plotting the destruction of the human race," Ron murmured.  
  
"That's not funny!"  
  
"I'm not joking," Ron replied, his face perfectly serious. Hermione sighed and leaned back, fervently hoping Ron wasn't right. She loved her cat, but he WAS a cat, after all.  
  
On the subject of cats, where was the strange black cat they had found earlier?  
  
"MOOOWW!" With a howling shriek said black cat hurtled down from above (Hermione wasn't sure where from) and landed on the chessboard. She grabbed Harry's king and ran off across the room, the little chess piece screaming in terror.  
  
"Hey! My king!" Harry cried, and took off, Ron a step behind.  
  
"Must all cats be pure evil?!" Ron exclaimed as he dove for the cat. She twisted away at the last second and he landed on the stone floor hard. The common room erupted into laughter as the trio made a mad scramble for the renegade cat. The cat jumped onto a windowsill with the window opened. She peered down at the ground far below and looked back at the humans chasing her.  
  
"No!" Ron whispered. "No, no, no. This is a new chess set! I paid a lot for it, you blasted cat!" The cat grinned and looked back down out the window.  
  
Then she dropped the little chess king. The ceramic figurine screamed all the way down and stopped with a tiny shattering sound. Ron ran to the window and looked down at a very irate Professor McGonagall, looking up to see who had tried to kill her by chess piece.  
  
"Ronald Weasley!" she cried up at him. "Detention with me tomorrow!"  
  
"But-!" However, McGonagall was gone. Ron glared daggers at the cat, who calmly licked at an errant patch of fur on her shoulder. She stood and flicked her tail in Ron's face and hopped off the sill. "I'm beginning to think all cats are out to get me!"  
  
*  
  
-That was fun! Who knew chess pieces could scream like that? Ee heeheeheehee!- she mentally cackled. -Who else can I torment?-  
  
*  
  
"Oh no! Trevor!" Neville cried. The black cat had turned her mischievous attentions on the Longbottom with one clear thought: Easy prey. The cat jumped onto his shoulder and hissed at the toad, who perched on Neville's leg while the boy did his Herbology homework. The frightened amphibian hopped to the floor and took off, the cat on his heels.  
  
"That's going too far!" Ron declared, and scooped up the cat while Trevor took refuge under a wardrobe. Neville dropped to his knees and tried to coax the toad out.  
  
The feline twisted in Ron's grasp and lunged at his chest. Ron shouted and tripped, falling on his bum. The cat leapt lightly away, Ron's wand on her mouth. "That cat stole my wand!" The cat bounded to the top of the same wardrobe Trevor hid under while the Gryffindors tried to get her down.  
  
The cat flicked her head and sparks shot out of the end of the wand, stinging Harry's hand. He fell back, shaking his wounded appendage as the cat got a wicked gleam in her eyes. He had a very bad feeling about this.  
  
*  
  
Professor Minerva McGonagall swept into the Gryffindor dormitory like a storm cloud. "Ron Weasley, I demand to know... What in the world is going on here?"  
  
-Wuh-oh! Busted!- The Slytherin student dropped the wand and darted out of the dormitory between McGonagall's feet, mentally giggling the entire way. The Transfiguration teacher put her hands on her hips and glared at the exhausted students and trashed common room.  
  
"What in Merlin's name is going on in here? First Mr. Weasely almost drops a chess piece on me and now the dormitory is destroyed!"  
  
"It wasn't me!" Ron wailed. "It was that blasted cat!"  
  
***  
  
Dumbledore knocked on Snape's office doors and waited for a moment. "Severus?" he called, but no answer was forthcoming. He frowned and knocked again. "Severus, are you in there?" When silence still reigned, he waved a hand at the door and it swung open. The room was empty, and the spilled red ink had been cleaned by the house elves.  
  
"Where could Severus be? He's had plenty of time to ask around about the Animagus. Why are all of my staff disappearing?"  
  
Dumbledore turned and ambled back through the dark and dingy dungeons as he mused over this conundrum. He almost stepped on the little white cat before he saw it. "I apologize feline friend," he said with a kind smile. "I wasn't watching where I was walking."  
  
The cat looked up and flicked an ear at him. "Whatever."  
  
"What is that you have there?" The cat turned to block his view of the parcel with her body.  
  
"Nothing. Why do you ask?"  
  
"Oh, no reason... Frankie, isn't it?" The cat fidgeted, bright blue eyes darting from side to side. Dumbledore continued to look down at the cat, a kind expression on his face. The cat finally turned, grabbed her item and dashed off.  
  
"Must go! Laters old human!"  
  
Dumbledore chuckled to himself. "My, my. Such nervousness." He strolled off down the hallway and back out of the dungeons, a smile upon his face. If someone were to see him they would say he knew a secret that no one else did.  
  
~*~*~*~ 


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: *Does the I-Don't-Own-Harry-Potter dance.*  
  
Notes: Hmmmm.... What should I - I mean the cats!- do to Sevvie? Yeah, that's right... the cats... Mwahahaha... Ahem. Anyways... In this episode the plot picks up it's pace and the Slytherin student meets up with Dumbledore.  
  
If Cats Could Talk  
  
Severus Snape, Death Eater spy, Potions Master, powerful pureblood wizard who had managed to survive years of teaching snot-nosed little brats, was completely at the mercy of no less than 50 cats. The entire feline population of Hogwarts had assembled in the room, and they all were perched wherever they liked, and chattered amongst themselves. He sat tied to an aging, creaking chair beside Argus Filch, likewise gagged.  
  
Snape glared at Crookshanks, Granger's massive cat that was becoming as utterly annoying as his human was. The ginger tom was clearly the ringleader.  
  
"Order! Order!" Crookshanks called, and one of his three henchmen... cats... whatever... knocked a heavy paperweight off of a shelf to silence the assembled like a gavel. The hench-toms were three of the biggest cats in the school.  
  
The mass of furry fiends quieted and turned to face their leader. "It is now time for phase two of FWTO. We have gathered the necessary equipment and the circumstances have been given to us. We have the means and the will to take control of Hogwarts and re-assert ourselves as the dominant species of the world." He placed a forepaw on Snape's wand, pilfered from within his robes after they had tied him down.  
  
"With this wand from our dear Professor Snape, we will gather more monkeys and their magical sticks. I estimate that by Wednesday, everyone here will be armed and by Friday the school will be ours. Then we can have the Beast Speech spell re-administered and made to remain effective until all humans are under our control. Which should be at the end of the month." He flicked his tail. "Now, everyone return to your apes and rest up. We have a lot of work to do tomorrow."  
  
Crookshanks turned to Filch and Snape. "I leave you two in the capable paws of Mrs. Norris and my hench-toms. Be good monkeys and you'll get a treat in the morning." He grinned as he jumped down to the floor and left with the other cats.  
  
-Thank Merlin we don't sort cats into houses. I don't think Slytherin could handle accommodating all of them,- Snape thought to himself bitterly.  
  
***  
  
Hermione suddenly snapped to consciousness, the sensation of eyes boring into her head waking her. She slowly turned over to see Crookshanks glaring at her.  
  
"It's about time you woke up. Feed me, she-ape!" he snapped.  
  
Hermione groaned. "It's, like, five in the morning, Crookshanks. Don't you have global conquest or something you can be planning?"  
  
"Well, yes. But no one can take over the world on an empty stomach."  
  
***  
  
-Ooo, a mouse! AH! No! No! I'm not a cat! Not a cat! Not a cat! Oh, man! I really need to be changed back.- She approached the gargoyle statue that guarded the headmaster's office and paused to look up at the statue. The statue remained lifeless, staring blankly ahead. -Well, this is a problem.-  
  
She sat down and looked up at the gargoyle. After about five minutes of trying to stare down the statue, she sighed and gave up.  
  
With a prodigious leap she landed on the gargoyle's head and walked over to a narrow space in the stairway that wasn't guarded by the stone guardian and considered it. It was only slightly larger than her head, and under normal circumstances, impossible to get through. But being in her Animagus form, and the cat's lack of a true collarbone, she wriggled through it and fell gracefully to the floor below.  
  
-Well, that was easy... What? Ack, I lost a patch of fur squeezing through that. Damn it all,- she mentally muttered. She licked some fur over the bald patch and hoped no one would notice. -Gargoyle gets his due anyway.-  
  
The Slytherin girl in cat form trotted up the stairs to Dumbledore's office and came face to face with a closed door. Undaunted, she stretched onto her hind legs and pawed at the latch until it opened and she walked in brazenly. The headmaster wasn't in evidence, but the many portraits of former headmasters in various states of slumber were present as ever. And Fawkes looked down at her from his perch.  
  
-Tasty bird-NOOO! Not a cat! Not a cat! Not a cat! Dangit, where is Dumbledore? Well, nothing to do but wait, I guess.- She jumped up on the desk and sat down in the middle to wait for the headmaster. Looking down, she saw that she was sitting on the help note she had written in Snape's office. -I guess Snape knows the truth by now. As well as Dumbledore. Well, that takes care of somehow telling Dumbledore.-  
  
"I was wondering when you'd make it up here," a kind voice said.  
  
The Slytherin student whirled around to find the elderly wizard entering from a hidden door in the back she hadn't noticed before. Fawkes cooed as his master entered the room and the headmaster patted the phoenix's head fondly.  
  
-How does he DO that?!-  
  
"You are our mysterious Animagus, if I'm not mistaken," he said, sitting in his chair. The girl faced him warily, wondering just what he knew. "Given your silence where other cats would be making sarcastic remarks, I am correct. And if my further deductions with Severus were correct, you also a Slytherin." She nodded. "Very good. At least that guess work is out of the way." But judging by the twinkle in his warm blue eyes, she knew he knew he was right all along.  
  
-Dumbledore would make a very good cat.-  
  
"However, it seems that Snape was supposed to go and inquire about your identity, and he was vanished."  
  
-Vanished?! Oh that is so not good!-  
  
"But we'll get back to that. The basics are first. What year are you in?" The student cast about for some way of conveying her year. She finally reached over and yanked out seven feathers from Fawkes. The phoenix squawked angrily and fluttered his wings. Dumbledore frowned slightly, but the feathers would regrow soon. "So you're in seventh year? And how long did it take you to become an Animagus? It is very advanced, and most students, even seventh years, wouldn't be able to accomplish it."  
  
The girl batted at a single feather, separating it from the others.  
  
"A single year? Remarkable! You must be one of the brightest Slytherins."  
  
-I like to think so.-  
  
"Therefore, it shouldn't be hard to figure out who you are. You must have some friends who've noticed you're missing."  
  
-Not really. I kept a low profile for most of my student career.-  
  
"Perhaps you can write your name." Dumbledore uncorked a vial of ink and took out a spare piece of parchment. "If you managed to write out a help note, a name should be simple enough." The student looked at the vial and raised a paw. Then set it down. Then raised it again, confused. "Is something wrong?"  
  
-No, not at all... But I... I can't remember my name. I've been a cat so long I can't remember it. Not to mention that the Obliviate to the head didn't help much.-  
  
~*~*~*~ 


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: Go look at Chapter One! Go on!  
  
Notes: I will finish this if it kills me!!! It's nearing an end. Crookshanks and the other members of FWTO step up their actions to take over the school. The Slytherin student gets a temporary name. Snape gets free. And this chapter is short because I'm low on motivation and inspiration. T.T  
  
If Cats Could Talk  
  
Dumbledore and the Slytherin student-turned-cat walked through the halls swiftly, the students on their way to breakfast nimbly stepping out of the way with a polite and respectful nod for the headmaster. She was the only cat in the hallway, which could not be a good sign.  
  
"So for the meantime, we'll call you Kat, if that's alright with you." He glanced down to see his small, furry companion nod absently. She was scanning the hallways for other cats. "The first thing we'll do is take you to Professor McGonagall to transfigure you back to human. At least then we can work through what you remember before you were Obliviated. I have the entire staff on the lookout for Argus and Severus."  
  
-I hate my life. Did I say that already? Because I do.-  
  
***  
  
"Crookshanks, sir..."  
  
"Yes, Sugar?" The one-eyed kitten glanced over her shoulder at the two human captives gagged and bound to chairs. Crookshanks' three big toms were pawing at the humans, big stupid-grins on their faces.  
  
"I'm having second thoughts about all this. Isn't this rather inhumane?"  
  
"My dear Sugar, they're only dumb humans. Besides, we'll release them once we have complete control over everything and they'll be the better for it. Now, we're going out to start phase two, so I think it would be best if you stayed behind." He smiled kindly at the calico before him. "We won't be long." With that he took up the greasy-headed human's wand and led the squad of felines out to the unsuspecting castle.  
  
*  
  
Sugar, Remus Lupin's slightly-psycho kitten, sat upon the teacher's desk and watched the two dirty humans. Her wolf-monkey was more wolfy today, the day before the full moon, so he was gone for a while until his severe PMS problem was over. She was deeply troubled by this rather cruel treatment of humans.  
  
"I mean, I know they're not cats, but they still don't deserve to be treated like this," she muttered to herself. "We've been doing fine as we were for a long time. What's wrong with the way things are?"  
  
She shook her head. "That's it. I can't help this anymore. Call me a monkey- lover, but..." She jumped down from the table and pulled the knots loose in the black-dressed ape. He shook the ropes off and stood stiffly. Then he turned a black fire gaze down on the six-month old kitten. He sneered.  
  
"Time for revenge you little hairball!"  
  
"AHHH!"  
  
"Come back here! Once I get my wand back, I'll hex you into the Abyss!"  
  
"No! Quit chasing me! I freed you!"  
  
"That was your last mistake! The first being crossing me!"  
  
"I'm too cute to dieeeee!"  
  
***  
  
Professor McGonagall sat at the staff table in the Great Hall as the students filled the large hall. Breakfast was coming to an end, and soon people would begin to leave to go to their classes. She spoke softly to Professor Dumbledore, occasionally gesturing to Kat, who sat on the table and ate from a large plate of bacon.  
  
"Of course we can make her human, again, but it will take a few days at the least, Albus," McGonagall was saying. "But she may never be the same again. She can't even remember her own name. I don't know what it will be like for her as a human."  
  
-Mmmm, bacon!- Kat thought to herself.  
  
Dumbledore frowned and looked at the ecstatic feline beside him. She was completely clueless. The last thing the wizard wanted was for one of his brightest, if rather unknown, pupils to be lost to humanity.  
  
Then the double doors to the Great Hall burst open and the league of talking cats entered the room. In the lead was Crookshanks, a wand in his jaws. He waved it about and muttered, "Expelliarmus." As one, every wand in the room flew up from its owners' robes and flew over to the squadron of cats. Crookshanks set the wand down so he could speak more clearly.  
  
"Hello apes!" he called. "Welcome to the new world order."  
  
The doors closed behind him and locked, leaving the staff and students trapped in the Great Hall, with a small horde of armed cats with a purpose.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
AN: Bad ending. Bleh. I'm tired. 


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: MINE! ALL MINE! -not. I do own Sugar and Kat, tho. Or maybe Sugar owns me... *Looks at her one-eyed kitten.* o.O; Want to see a drawing of Sugar (sort of)? Go here.  
  
Notes: Tryin' to finish it up, but I'll be damned if stories don't get a life of their own and do what they want. Sorry it's taken so long to update, but I've been really busy between work and school. But I got Order of the Phoenix today so I should be getting new inspiration!  
  
If Cats Could Talk  
  
"While you're in here trying to kill me, the other cats are out there taking over the world," Sugar said from the chandelier. Snape glared up at her, idly tossing a crystal globe up and catching it again with one hand.  
  
"So?"  
  
"They're using YOUR wand!" she pointed out.  
  
"Not my problem."  
  
"What will it take to get you to leave me alone?"  
  
"You. Dead. Stuffed. As a paperweight on my bed."  
  
"But I like living!"  
  
"Should have thought about that before you joined forces with the feline goon squad."  
  
"Yeah, well, I changed in the end, didn't I? Besides, if Crookshanks takes over the school, you'll be out of a job! Wanna go back to Voldemort?"  
  
"How do you know about that?!"  
  
Sugar yawned. "I'm a cat." As if that explained it all. Maybe it did. Snape sighed. He had learned a lot about cats these past few days and he decided to just drop it. He considered losing his job here at Hogwarts.  
  
"Fine. You bought yourself some time, cyclops," he snarled.  
  
"Oh, like I haven't heard THAT one before." Sugar jumped down from the chandelier and onto Snape's shoulder. "Okay, let's go."  
  
"Who said you're coming? And on me?!"  
  
"Well, you can't go to fight a horde of world-conquering cats alone and unarmed, can you, ape-man? And you walk too fast for my little furry legs, so there."  
  
"I WILL exact my revenge on you."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever, let's go." Snape shook his head and took off. "The fact that you're wearing black and I have white fur is an added bonus," she said with a grin.  
  
***  
  
The cats perched proudly on their hard-won places at the head table. Crookshanks sat where Dumbledore would. The staff sat amongst the students, watching as the cats assumed their mantles as the rulers of the school. With them sat a very confused Kat, taken at face value as an unusually quiet cat who owned Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. None of the cats seemed to mind that they had never seen her before.  
  
"Attention apes!" Crookshanks called. "This is our list of demands. They will be met or you will be severely punished by your new masters."  
  
Ron leaned over and whispered to Harry. "And to think, we were afraid that You-Know-Who was going to take over the world. Crookshanks has him beat in sheer effectiveness and evil intentions."  
  
"SILENCE MONKEYS!" Crookshanks roared. Ron snapped to attention. Kat glared over at Crookshanks.  
  
"Item one, we require tuna at every meal in good amounts." Instantly plates of steaming tuna appeared before each feline conqueror. Many licked their lips, but Crookshanks merely nodded as though it was his due. "Item two, the myth that we are owned by you apes is hereby dispelled forever. Item three is-what's that?"  
  
All heads turned to see the large double doors of the Great Hall slam open and something not unlike a big black bat strode in.  
  
"Professor Snape?" Harry wondered aloud. "And isn't that Professor Lupin's cat?"  
  
It was so. Professor Snape was there, the school's renowned mischief-maker and one-eyed calico on his shoulder. Crookshanks stood angrily, paws resting easily by the Potions Professor's wand. "What is the meaning of this, Sugar?!"  
  
"It's called a coup de grace (AN: In case someone doesn't know, it's a French term for a finishing stroke.). We're not gonna let you take over!" she called back.  
  
"Just give it up, cat. We have you beaten," Snape said calmly.  
  
"Oh? Because it seems that you are quite helpless, as we have all the wands, including yours. You make one move I don't like and we'll hex you a hundred ways from Sunday," the ginger cat snickered. The other cats had moved closer to their chosen wands, many belonging to their human servants.  
  
"Hm, I don't think so." Snape turned his head to glance at the open door. "Fang! Come!"  
  
Obediently, Hagrid's large boarhound bounded into the room, drool flying as he wagged his tail at all the little furry things on the table to chase. The cat army screamed as one and scattered, except for Crookshanks and Kat, who wasn't really a cat. Fang happily bounced after the little toys brought here for his amusement.  
  
Snape smirked at Crookshanks. "Now what, Mr. Kitty? Your army is gone."  
  
"Maybe, but I still have your wand!" Crookshanks hissed. "Your lousy mutt doesn't scare me! I know what a coward it is!"  
  
*  
  
-Oh, for crying out...-  
  
Kat trotted to Crookshanks' side and hissed. She smacked him with one paw and nipped the wand right out from under him while he lay stunned at her attack. She went to her head of house and returned the wand. -I swear. Never send a man to do a girl's work.-  
  
~*~*~*~ 


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. P  
  
Notes: Wrapping things up, this is the last chapter. Thank you to all my loyal reviewers, you have really helped me get through this. I am so happy to actually finish a story. Hugs! Cats rule!  
  
If Cats Could Talk  
  
Dumbledore sat in his office, a pleased smile on his aging face and a twinkle in his blue eyes. A crisis had been averted. One of the worst since Voldemort returning, and the world once again had only one maniac tyrant to worry about. The week of the misfired Beast Speech spell was ending today, and the cats had happily returned to their former lives, but a Silence Charm was kept on Crookshanks to prevent any further attempts on world domination.  
  
It never hurt to be too careful.  
  
And now their mystery Animagus was waiting in his office for the last two people to arrive so she could be changed back. Kat sat impassively in one of the armchairs in the office. She barely flicked an ear when someone knocked on the door and Dumbledore bade them enter.  
  
Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall entered. Kat bothered to sit up, showing she wasn't quite entirely cat yet. But it would be interesting to see how she adjusted to being human again. She would have to relearn respect, and she might always think of other humans as monkeys, but otherwise the headmaster wasn't concerned.  
  
Professor McGonagall was there to perform the spell. Snape was there because she was in his house.  
  
"Are we ready, then?" Minerva asked, looking both to Dumbledore and Kat, who both nodded ascent. She pointed her wand at Kat and said, "Transforma Reversus." They watched as she slowly stretched back into a human form, the transformation a reversal of her Animagus one. In a minute, a young Slytherin seventh year sat in the chair.  
  
"Are you sure you got that spell right, Minerva, her eyes don't look right..." Snape mused. It was true, her eyes still looked quite feline.  
  
"Of course I did," McGonagall snapped. "She's just been a cat for long enough that she might never become entirely human again. I'm afraid that there at the end she might have begun to lose herself as a human. If it had taken much longer, she might have been a cat forever."  
  
"Perhaps now we can find out your name," Snape said of the cat-eyed student. She looked up at him, quite unconcerned, face blank like a cat's, and shrugged. After a moment of his scowling at her, she grinned sheepishly.  
  
"Sorry, habit. Wow, it's strange being able to speak again after so long," she said with a laugh. "But I'm afraid I don't remember my name still. But I have managed to figure out where my memory's gone. I believe Malfoy was out of bed that night, probably following Potter around, and I snuck up on him while in cat form. He Obliviated me reflexively." She shrugged. "Took a couple of brain-wracking nights to work through it."  
  
"Your memory should come back in time," Dumbledore said. "Including your name, but until then I guess you're still Kat."  
  
"What I would like to know is how such an obviously bright pupil could slip under our radars," McGonagall stated. "To become an Animagus at your age, while not unheard of, is very rare. I would think more people would at least know who you are."  
  
"Not really. I never attracted attention to myself, and I didn't have many friends," Kat replied indifferently. "Wish I had now."  
  
"And now as to the matter of your BEING an illegal Animagus," Snape drawled slowly, entering punishment mode and stalking slowly to her side. "That in itself is enough to have you expelled. Even given the circumstances of the past week, you broke the rules."  
  
"I know. I first went to your office knowing I'd probably be kicked out. I'll go start packing," she said, and stood to go.  
  
"I didn't say we WERE kicking you out," Snape said. Kat turned back to face him. "It would be a shame to kick out one of Slytherin's brightest when they're so close to graduation, and if you say nothing to the others, they'll never know what you are. We'll have to think of a good explanation for your eyes however..."  
  
Kat glanced at Dumbledore for confirmation, and he smiled.  
  
"I'm not expelled?"  
  
"You're not expelled."  
  
"I got off?"  
  
"You still have detention."  
  
"Aw man..."  
  
"Don't complain."  
  
"Okay. WHEEE! I'M NOT EXPELLED!!!!!!" Kat ran out of the room, whooping at the top of her lungs all the way to the rest of the school. Snape pinched the bridge of his nose as if he had a headache.  
  
"Maybe we should have left her as a cat..."  
  
"You know Severus," McGonagall said, "if that were a Gryffindor, or anything other than Slytherin, you would have expelled them."  
  
"Of course."  
  
McGonagall shook her head as the two opposing head of houses exited Dumbledore's office, bickering like usual. Dumbledore chuckled to himself and turned to his phoenix, who cooed at him softly.  
  
"Well Fawkes, it's good to see that things have returned to normal."  
  
***  
  
-If you think I'm just going to give up on world domination, you haven't been paying attention,- Crookshanks thought to himself as he curled up placidly in Hermione's lap. -I just need to wait until it's my time. This is a minor setback, that's all.-  
  
~*~*~*~ 


End file.
